Prime Ministers and dead pigs

When I first heard that David Cameron had allegedly had intimate relations with a dead pig I thought, hang on, SamCam might not be everyone’s type but she’s not that bad. But no, it turns out that the dead pig in question was an actual dead pig, or at least the head of one. So that makes three male Tory Prime Ministers in a row about whom rumours of embarrassing sexual pasts abound: Ted Heath (either completely asexual or a paedophile depending on whom you believe), John Major (Edwina Currie) and now Dave (dead pig).

I imagine there might be some interesting questions asked in the Cameron household over their supper of pork chops (so lovingly prepared by Dave in his own special way), which Dave will doubtless bat back with the response he seems to have settled upon:

“Daddy, all the nasty kids at school are saying that you once had sex with a dead pig. Is it true?”

“Yes, David,” Samantha might chip in. “I’d quite like to know the answer to this too.”

Pausing his game of Fruit Ninja, our sterling Prime Minister puts on his ‘this is completely unacceptable’ face and replies: “I refuse to dignify this allegation with any comment.”

At which any sensible family would hastily remove all Peppa Pig paraphernalia to a safe place.

Ed reacts on being introduced to Dave's first girlfriend

There’s no doubt that all this suggests an impressively varied taste on the part of the Prime Minister: to SamCam, Nick Clegg and the poor, we can now add dead pigs. It might also explain why Ed Miliband had such a problem with that bacon sandwich.

The Prime Minister used to bang on about the dangers of pornography and its influence on children. Perhaps back in his Eton days he once stumbled across some bestiality and necrophilia and knows only too well the effect of viewing such things.

Anyway, Dave is always quite keen to impress upon the nation is own blokey manliness. So he was probably pleased that only days after allegations circulated about Jeremy Corbyn having an affair with Diane Abbott in the 1970s, the Prime Minister was able to trump this evidence of hot-blooded carnality in the Leader of the Opposition by someone dredging up one of his own rumoured former lovers. And quite a babe she was too.

The Prime Minister is also firmly opposed to any reform of drugs legislation, thereby ensuring that thousands of people will be criminalized for what is generally little more than youthful dabbling and adventure. But what do we learn? It seems that Dave was merrily puffing away on weed through his student years. Hypocrisy? Of course not. You see, Dave is rich, posh and privileged, and it’s okay for the rich, posh and privileged to take drugs, get intimate with dead pigs and join riotous clubs like the Bullingdon Club, but perish the thought that the poor do any such things.

There was one further shocking revelation this week, and for which Dave should really consider his position as Prime Minister. It turns out he was a fan of Supertramp. I know: Supertramp?! Dave really will do well to survive that allegation.